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The e-rosterer's Lament

January 1, 2017

 

We have total respect and empathy for Roster and Ward Managers, wherever they may be. Hopefully this little poem will make them smile. So here goes...

 

My precious staff are dear to me,
I roster them with pride,
But my VDU is tiny, just 15 inches wide. 
So I only see, the top 23
The rest I’ll leave aside (and what is this Headroom thingy, anyway?)

 

Left click, right click,
What’s a nurse to do?
With electronic systems that
Do nothing but confuse.

 

I’m planning for 100 staff,
You’d think I’d be delighted,
Christmas covered without a fight
I really should be knighted.
It’s just squinting at my tiny screen has left me quite short-sighted (and no sign of a letter from Her Majesty either).

 

My ESR’s outdated, 
And new staff are on the Ward
I cannot bloody roster them, 
They’re getting rather bored (and I can tell you this – “Management” are not happy!)

 

Bleeper, bleeping,
How’s a nurse to think?
No way that I can concentrate,
The roster’s in the drink.

 

I cannae’ see,
My NHSP, 
And staff shifts both together
So we’re overpaying some lucky sod
Prob’ly have been since forever…
And all because my systems,
They just don’t connect, by God.
(but when Matron finally catches hold of that bugger, they’re doomed).

 

Now Sal’s swapped shifts with Jose and Amal has swapped with Ade,
But they didn’t blinkin’ tell me, so neither will get paid (and trust me, I’ll get that in the neck later).

 

There really is just no reprieve 
From the horrors of pre-booked annual leave
Our safe staffing has too much variation
It’s up and down – like my frustration!
The only way to fill those gaps you see,
Is last minute bank and agency (well it’s not my fault – we are carrying vacancies, you know!)

 

The Lord knows I do my best, I just haven’t got the tools,
There’s bits of paper everywhere,
An Amazon of trees, the fools
Can’t we be more Eco-aware?

 

Meetings, Meetings
Where’s the time to care?
I’m sinking fast in paperwork 
It’s all too much to bear.

 

In the old days things were mighty fine,
And very much low-key,
I’d roster staff at home - with wine
Whilst watching Casualty.

So I’ll ask again, then nevermore, 
‘Cos this is a frightful caper
Here’s my solution to explore…
Could we not go back to paper?

 

[It doesn't have to be this way of course, contact Oceansblue to find out how]

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